So it’s the festive season again. If you are like me, this holiday is the perfect chance to tease, insult, those who have chosen, for whatever reason, to stand on Google’s side and use an Android.

Unlike some lesser countries it’s highly unlikely you will ever find yourself in a situation where the number of iPhone owners present is not at least 3 times the number of Android users present, unless there are only two of you or all your friends (I certainly hope not) are lifeless nerds.

Thus, almost always any public teasing of an Android user in the group will serve to both entertain the crowd, and possibly persuade those on the wrong side to start giving excuses like “Oh my 3GS dropped into the toilet bowl and I had to use this because it’s free”.

This list of fine insults will be constantly updated every time I think of something, but for now they will have to do. Don’t follow exactly, be flexible. Be smart about your insults. It always help to do them with a smile on your face. ^_^

Here goes.

General platform-based attacks, if you want to be lazy

“Wah… Your OS is so ugly. What kind of font is that? So messy…. This back button do what one? (Tap the touchscreen buttons carelessly so you will purposely miss activating the buttons a few times, then look frustrated) Wah….. So hard to use! Why like that one? The apps are so fugly… Even my ugliest iOS twitter app is nicer than all the twitter apps you have.”

Then, check if the Google Marketplace has been updated to the ICS-ish version. If it has, it’s bound to be laggy. Start doing some fast taps and swiping and once it starts lagging turn the phone around and show everyone else.

“Wah… Is this Google’s App Store? So confusing! How to navigate? Where to find my apps that have an update? (If your friend shows you how to access the updatable apps area, then on purpose tap the back button once or twice to get out of the area, then turn around to your friend and say) Eh gone? How to go back ah? Why so hard to go back one? How much did you pay for it again”

If they are using anything other than the Galaxy Nexus (which if you are in Singapore, most likely they won”t) then use the Gingerbread attack

“Wah… your phone’s software is so updated leh. Wasn’t Gingerbread ANNOUNCED in Oct 2010? (If your friend has a phone that’s only a few months old, like the Arc series or the Galaxy S2) My (his/her or anyone who has an old iPhone in the group) 3GS/iPhone 4 has a much newer OS than yours do. What kind of a new phone is that? How much did you pay for it again?”

Anytime they answer “Free”, you say this

“No wonder la. Cheap stuff crappy. Google OS is free so it’s crappy. Lousy stuff. Why you so cheapskate?”

If they answer “400+” or something expensive

“Why did you spend your money on something like this?”

And if it’s a samsung device or something that looks plasticky

“Cheap plastic all around… CMI design… It’s worth 400???”

Anytime you want to challenge camera capabilities, it’s almost obvious that the iPhone 4/4S will win. To make it more obvious, do the challenge at night. Then also try to invert the front and back cameras and then say this.

“Wah how to change to front camera? (After your friend shows you) Why so difficult one? Sad…”

Next, Battery life insults

No wonder what you think of your 4S’ battery life, just insist that the Android phone has pathetic battery life. Because it usually does. If the fellow tries to bullshit you just go with this.

“Eh… You lifeless ah? Might as well just get a dumb Nokia phone la. Why buy a smartphone?”

If they tries to argue that it’s their careful power management techniques that gives them decent battery life.

“Wah… see? You really lifeless. You have so much time to do silly things like turning off switches when you don’t need wifi”

Model specific insults

For large-screen phones (Anything above 4″, such as the Razr, the Galaxy S2, the Xperia Arc and Arc clones, except the Galaxy Nexus):

“Do you have swollen fingers? (smile, and ask like you are really puzzled) Is that why you can’t type properly on an iPhone and need such an oversized keyboard?”

or “Do you have terrible vision? (ask with a really serious face) Why do you need such a LOW res, large screen to see your SMSes on?”

Very obviously, if the phone has smaller than iPhone-size screens then laugh at the pathetic size. Or if it has broken rubber port covers then laugh at those too.

Always follow up on insults by touting some good features of iOS that Android users don’t have. My favorite is iMessage.

“iMessage is really fast and good. It’s like I’m SMSing and MMSing people but I don’t pay anything.”

You have to stop here, and DO NOT MENTION WHATSAPP, because this is a lure to make your Android silly friend mention WHATSAPP. Once he/she does, counterattack.

“Whatsapp? It’s so slow and pathetic! Sometimes always cannot connect one. Got server errors and downtimes. It’s really pathetic. The reason why I keep Whatsapp on my phone is for the benefit of the less fortunate people in society. People without access to iOS 5 are so unfortunate. Sometimes it helps to do some charity for these less fortunate people.”

I seem to remember having at least one more insult to type, but my brain is so dead now I guess all these will have to do for now.

Before I go though, some reminders.

Change to dialect, rephrase the insults, add new ideas. Do whatever you want to make the insult more effective.

Always remember that some people will just be better at insulting people than others. If you aren’t good at it, it’s best not to try. You might become a laughing stock once you failed to carry it through.